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Day 546- What if?

When I was a little girl, I would ask my mom what would happen if my sister hadn’t died. Her answer was always, we would never know what would happen, because it didn’t happen. She told me that it was okay to be curious and wonder what would happen, but in regards to my sister there is a lifetime of “what if’s” that would never be answered. She said as much as it’s okay to wonder, that we must not engulf ourselves into those thoughts that it becomes a mind game and lose sight of reality.

For the past couple of months, lived in a series what if situations and I finally understand my mom’s statement. What if we aren’t as close? What if we are too different? What if she’s replaced me? We can ask these questions and even theorize what will happen but the answers won’t come until it happens (or doesn’t.) Unlike with my sister, all these what if’s will be answered all in time. I just have to be patient and focus on my reality in the mean time.

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Day 364

It’s been six months since my last post on here. I’ll be honest with y’all, after October, I lost my mojo to write this blog. Often when I write or read these blog posts I feel like I am saying the same things over and over again. Sometimes I feel like it doesn’t always depict how I felt day-to-day. So in the efforts of only posting what is real, I just didn’t post.

But let’s reflect on this year, it was hard. It’s been a whole year since I last spoke with her. About this time last year, she called me. She used her last few minutes before she entered the MTC to call me. I was on my way to Spanish class and we talked about the rumored Frozen musical, about how I was thinking about starting this blog series, about how miss we would miss each other. I left that phone call bawling, it took me the majority of class to even get a grip.

Before Nat left, people kept telling that I was going to miss her a lot. I would often brush them off, like “pssh, nah. I mean I’ll miss her, but it won’t be that big of deal. Boy, was I wrong. Yeah, there were days, even weeks where I didn’t really think of her or how much I missed her. 

But there were days that I missed her more than anything. When I’m super excited about something, I want to call her. I want her tell me she’s proud of me. But she’s not here. On bad days, the days I just want to escape this mess.. She’s not here. 

What I learned through out this whole thing is we were each other’s home base. You know when you were a kid and you played tag there was always a home base, that one place where you were safe and no one could get you. That was what we were to each other. When things went wrong at any time of the day (and I mean ANY time of the day,) we were there for each other. “Wanna Skype?” or “can I call?” quickly became a common text phrase between us. There were nights we’d Skype for seven hours just talking about everything going on, there late nights calling each other at 3am freaking out about our latest drama. We were always there for each other in the way that was needed at that time. We listened to each other, have advice, justified the situation, and sometimes play for the other team. But we did what was needed at the time. 

That’s what makes it hard to find another person to vent to like that. A lot of people want to help you solve your problems. Which isn’t always bad, I need that sometimes.. But sometimes I just need someone to tell me that life sucks and it’ll all be okay.

She tells me that all of her companions want to be my best friend because she tells them all about our weird adventures and they think I’m awesome. But everyone who knows her knows she’s the awesome one, I’m just crazy enough to go along for the ride. Everything we are separated is nothing compared to what we are together. Together we are the perfect combonation of giggles, spontaneity, and adventure. 

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Fall Care Package

Fall is one of my favorite times of the year. This was my first care package to Nat, so I wanted it to be a big one!

carepackage1

Care packages are something you want to be tailored to your specific person. Which made it a tad harder for me, since Natalie is a health nut (not because she’s trying to be healthy.. it’s just what she likes.) Her comfort food is frozen veggies, but it’s impossible to send frozen veggies across the continent with low priority shipping.. So I had to get creative. Here’s what I got!

  1. Items that screamed FALL!
    • a banner, a little sign, a wreath (made by my wonderful momma might I add,) and some window stickers are what did the trick. Just enough stuff to give her apartment a home-y and festive feeling. I also added some cough drops and tissues, because what is fall without the cold and flu season!?
  2. Healthy snacks
    • I put granola bars, trail mix, beef jerky, mixed nuts. All snacks my girl loves, but even better all things non-perishable. These are also goodies I know she likes to keep handy for when her sugar is low, since she is hypoglycemic.
  3. Sugar and junk foods
    • What is care package without a healthy amount of junk food!? Ever since her first care package I’ve always sent her seasonal M&M’s. Everyone loves chocolate and even though I know she doesn’t eat them all the time, I know there are sometimes she just likes to have some good ol’ chocolate. For this box, since it is Fall anything pumpkin was a must. I don’t like pumpkin, but I know she does. I also may have snuck in some Oreos, because they are the best.
  4. Other nick nacks and such
    • There were a couple of things I saw and thought she’d love or could use. Like a Frozen Pez dispenser, these cute “milk” bottles, a Target gift card, a Starbucks gift card and a little note.

These are just some ideas of many options, this is just what I did. I think it was a pretty good first package, haha.

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Day 181

6 months. 6 frickin’ months. That’s one half of a year. We have officially completed one third of Nat’s mission. It seems like it’s been so long. But it’s also been like a blink of an eye. I don’t want to seem like I am saying I don’t miss her, because I do. But I have this new normal. I’m used to the reality of not talking to day-to-day. Now, that doesn’t mean I like it. I hate it, it sucks. But, it’s my reality. Every Saturday evening, I get a little excited because I realize Monday is coming up, and I get an e-mail from my girl.

My first day of writing this blog, I said missing someone was like an ocean. It’s so true. Sometimes, there’s nothing. No waves, no sadness. I might mention her in passing conversation, but it’s nothing major. Then there’s days where you feel the ever presence of the ocean mist. I’m not crying. I’m just kinda extra bummed. Those are days like today, when I’m reminded just how long she has been gone, and just how long she will be gone. There are those perfect surfing wave. They hit you out of no where, but after a couple of seconds you can regain composure. But then there are those tsunami waves. They come out of no where, and they hit you like a ton of bricks. There’s nothing you can do to stop them, you’re just crying and crying and crying and you know the only person who can cheer you is the one who is 2,000 miles away. Those days are really rough.

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Day 160

Another month has passed, this month probably went by the fastest. School has consumed so much of my life that I barely have time to come up for air and even talk to anyone..

This month I sent Nat a care package to ring in fall!

But I still have my share of good days and bad days. I had one last week, when I went to Laredo and was 2,218 miles away from Natalie as apposed to 2,118 mile when I am in Round Rock. I know it’s silly, I hate feeling like I am far away from her, before her mission we had like 4 months where we were constantly together. Now, I haven’t seen or heard her voice in 5 months, and it’s sucks. I feel like I am alone sometimes, like there’s no one else that get this. But I know there is, we just don’t know each other.

But sometimes there’s moments like these:

screenshot_20161010-142849

These moments remind me my friendship with her is something really, something that isn’t easily forgotten. She’ll make new connections, there’s no doubt about that, but she is still thinking about me as much as I think of her. There’s hope.

So if you are a missionary’s best friend like me or will be one soon, know that you are not alone! I’m here! Please please, never hesitate to contact me!

 

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Day 126

It’s been about a month since I’ve written a post for Diaries of a Missionary’s Best Friend. While part of it has me not feeling the need to write, other obstacles I’ve faced this past month have included me being stressed with finishing summer courses, transfer stuff, dealing with new ADHD meds, continuously rearranging my room, painting my room, prepping to start fall classes, and replacing my phone.

 

This is where I hit the wave of missing my Nat. So in January, I got a LG G4 which was awesome and I absolutely loved it.. but  because of a faulty part, my dear phone committed suicide. Luckily I had all my contacts saved, and by some miracle I had just backed up all my photos on my Google Drive that same week. The only thing I lost was all of my text messages.

 

And to the average person, that’s like what’s the big deal about that, right?

 

But for a missionary’s best friend, it’s a big deal. I lost all of my text messages from Natalie. All our small talk, all our deep talk, all our tears, laughter, and pretty much all written proof that I ever had a friendship… well maybe that’s a little bit dramatic, because I do have screenshots that were saved, and our friendship spans beyond just couple of screenshots.

 

But in my mind, having those text messages on my phone was almost like a connection to her. On my bad days, on the days I really missed her, or just in moments I wanted to good laugh, I’d read through our messages and laugh. It felt like one of the few little pieces I have of Natalie left, was taken from me.  And that feeling sucks.

 

There’s days I don’t think about missing her, it’s become my new normal. There’s days I don’t remember her being gone, but there are days where I can’t shake the feeling of missing her. Today is one of those days, I really miss my best friend. I just really wish I could hug her or hear her laugh… or just be with her, doing absolutely nothing.

 

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Day 98

Last week was three months, in two days until 100 days. We have completed one sixth of her mission! It feels like the months have sped by, but the days pass slowly. Time softens the blow of missing her, day-to-day I miss her. But it isn’t that going to crawl into a ball and cry pain, it’s the “bummer” type of sadness.

Lack of contact definitely puts a strain on a friendship, it’s hard to be close when you don’t get to have a back and forth conversation. I  feel like we are fading. I don’t know if I am sad about it anymore though. I mean I miss her, but she’s busy. I know she’s following her dreams and it doesn’t allow much for me. It sucks, but life sucks sometimes.  You can’t force someone to be your friend. Ya know?

Plus, lately when I do get to talk to her it feels like she’s always trying to convert me. I love her, and I am glad she’s following her faith, but I’m saved. I have accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I need a friend. Not a bible shoved down my throat.

I don’t know maybe I am being silly.